


Everything Is Dope Forever, The End; or, Learning To Live Again

by traceExcalibur



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Post-Canon, Post-Game(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-06
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-06-06 16:22:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6761314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traceExcalibur/pseuds/traceExcalibur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>DAVE: and in this new society we can safely recreate the human and troll races and figure out a way for everyone to coexist<br/>DAVE: then we party 24/7 for an eternity<br/>DAVE: im talkin some all out motherfuckin bananas jams<br/>DAVE: shits gonna be so far off the hook that there exists no adequate metaphor to describe the way shit and the hook are completely fuckin irreconcilable<br/>DAVE: and everything is dope forever the end</p>
</blockquote>After their canon story ends, a motley group of teens adjust to their new life. Heartache, introspection, and most importantly shenanigans ensue.
            </blockquote>





	1. The Fall of The Conductor's Baton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At the end of her life, Calliope has one final conversation with her denizen.

CALLIOPE: echidna.

CALLIOPE: you know why i am here.

ECHIDNA: yÜ¦Ÿ9½ÉJÕ %-þL4Ú,™³Éç+*u‘²êYg'§…&*›’Æ)›3-Ý¾

ECHIDNA: ß’1m

ECHIDNA: ë… Œ9‡RiÝŠð¶7O —¾$üî’ydÙY ŽºÁ NÛ‚½÷3û½ÝŒ

CALLIOPE: yes.

CALLIOPE: an unfortunate conclusion, but i think i knew all along that this would be my fate.

ECHIDNA: ¹6 ñPM½ÑP@Áõ¥OZw³¯°âñ‹àQ¯Tøn“×ïÂW3½àmvG¿Í w:òìP

CALLIOPE: The Choice. of course.

CALLIOPE: state your terms.

ECHIDNA: lLvvkAŒÌ3ú+&Å÷/O+4rj¸™â4þûœœÁõ¥OZw³¯°ò ¾XÅë:>Ò~‡ž“Ô×ÙÝ7C

CALLIOPE: the game was rigged against me from its very inception.

CALLIOPE: i am not afraid to die.

ECHIDNA: ‰zìÎËÈþaK TÂ†–±lÿ5èËùÝ^rw£¤ñYeì1“ÓD7~K

ECHIDNA: ,~:Üø!›' Å ¿Û ¾’HCD)F|ÖãTç|iÔ€

ECHIDNA: ùO~»FðCÀyQ=i‚ ô“G1ší•[Ì=æ$

CALLIOPE: i will play the role that i have been cast in.

CALLIOPE: there is no sense in defying fate, not for my sake nor any other.

CALLIOPE: if his defeat is destined, i will do what i must.

CALLIOPE: and if it is not,

CALLIOPE: i can only accept that.

CALLIOPE: but even in his immortality, he must play by the same rules we have all been given.

CALLIOPE: he must adhere to the rules of the story.

CALLIOPE: and i do not believe a proper story would allow his rampage to continue unchecked.

ECHIDNA: ¥ÃK oqíÇôf× ügfwƒ+ÌþÈ¾ÞÒ ¥}ƒ6L–™Ž• ê°

ECHIDNA: cNëNRìˆÔ5•Õ’t}©Ô~FÐE™p.ôê'Ÿ?Ì0;¿• ~÷€…»p³û üî

ECHIDNA: \æØ™ c eˆ‚7ÕÙä@ïé1£îÆmQmJnþ«˜ Þ6¬¼N/x«åš*Â–ðy‚

ECHIDNA: Õ¶õRÜr-ÐÓu¤h2üÒ×½§Œâ§ëÂyoéšP§Xf0  ^%‰!—´Æ

ECHIDNA: c¸ÓOžÛ/'¶²™–’ý#Œs6;¦¡I`Õ*±;

CALLIOPE: i see.

CALLIOPE: i will have to wait, then, until the time is right to conduct the final symphony.

CALLIOPE: and my alternate self will serve as the signal?

ECHIDNA: œnÆýûØmh¦ºÙƒ[ ‘§“›Ã ÕäÞc1¥ìÇ ±[× >Í±ÎÖÀ k

CALLIOPE: understood.

ECHIDNA: „™X’pG4«…:d± 

CALLIOPE: yes...

CALLIOPE: and in destroying the green sun and the area surrounding it, i will erase all traces of his mark on the furthest ring.

ECHIDNA: ©¨« NE#QDØQ

ECHIDNA: ð5¯þ“ Ô‘â™’ña¤€vLÖÌ ˜Ö*évykì˜M‡‚U™®@ÙÑñÿ³„^¨Û:

ECHIDNA: Ó IUú¯ÛÍÙAv aôu…Oê ¼b0![1]#’IäúN„¡[]^Ý²"äUýÌ0:+ÔM”º½3©)¨¨ÖY

CALLIOPE: of course.

CALLIOPE: if this story could be said to have a beginning, it would be his ascension.

CALLIOPE: it's only fitting, then, that i be the one to draw the story to its inevitable close.

ECHIDNA: üóáilF»óÔo_öA*™edÚˆVŠpçÔ |$ U¾ú„ú§Ý¬Ô”Š‹ž"y4w

CALLIOPE: the consequences?

ECHIDNA: ö¥b2*Á5µB\F´âÜÍ‰¡Ò² 9

CALLIOPE: yes, that is true.

CALLIOPE: there are many ghosts that will be destroyed in the ensuing cataclysm.

ECHIDNA: R´šBlÅÀj,¢ÿŽ»‹U eÂèF"æÂVj¹Ä¿°ÉBLø‰qf« =

CALLIOPE: no.

CALLIOPE: why should i pity them?

CALLIOPE: they, like me, have served their purpose.

CALLIOPE: they played their roles and reached the end that was meant for them.

CALLIOPE: those who by nature could not advance the plot or complete their arcs were cut from the narrative.

CALLIOPE: i do not understand everything, echidna, but i understand storytelling.

CALLIOPE: this is how it must be.

ECHIDNA: ‘"KÞ½bV•Âq¤Åk¤´¸ÄöQ†XVdZÔÂJepÚmÊÜ¡øV’r' ‡]°Ê+Â-

CALLIOPE: yes, of course it is.

CALLIOPE: there existed many avenues of resurrection and they have exhausted each.

CALLIOPE: even if they were to come back to life,

CALLIOPE: would they have earned it?

CALLIOPE: no.

ECHIDNA: †lÝ8LBï–Ÿ—³Z?íÌË×HüÏõ”äë˜C‡¾ËFh-f÷ åJÑ¼‡£[1]Ïð3;éëÍ×Éù_?Õ

ECHIDNA: D¢I$ ªªªªª®š®¤E E ˜]…˜e–UEÙ]¦WYÆZa†e

CALLIOPE: perhaps.

CALLIOPE: but it does not do to dwell on what could have been.

CALLIOPE: there is only what _is_.

CALLIOPE: the final narrative that we have written.

CALLIOPE: i learned that long ago.

ECHIDNA: À$˜bÆ«7˜rÂj–å.f.aÂ¢„ctÖÖ‰íÙê

ECHIDNA: NF²’RÈ¦ÛK6G HVte‘¦•³uJK‘„î$&öØå\zãùÃ

ECHIDNA: pœêOT¨YjÕî2B6 ›LÖ¼   [1]hAžÊE ,5ÿ Y—Óú/

CALLIOPE: yes.

ECHIDNA: “0S¨É©<ã-mûo$5ÿ\/öþËJLŒÈq…³Ñv…šÙFdC×¢µåSOx" §W

ECHIDNA: y4ÐP<~v¬˜†KGL}+Î‚©F¿ 

CALLIOPE: i understand my role, but there does remain one question that nags at me.

CALLIOPE: a loose end, so to speak.

CALLIOPE: from my understanding, the juju which encases my brother's soul occupies the void between all worlds, allowing him to manifest wherever he wishes.

CALLIOPE: given that he follows all of the prerequisite rules, of course.

CALLIOPE: if that is the case, even destroying his physical form by extinguishing the sun will not end his rampage.

CALLIOPE: is this correct?

ECHIDNA: ¢Aš¬I¨Al™L Ï mØÞ Œ ÞÉ[1]Õ

CALLIOPE: then how is it that i will bring about his defeat?

CALLIOPE: or...

CALLIOPE: do you mean to say that i won't?

ECHIDNA: Ù-²È*ñO  

CALLIOPE: i have always enjoyed puzzling out the nature of these riddles.

CALLIOPE: what have i overlooked?

ECHIDNA: A¦R©šYá)•¾µ r§)Ù{Ù¯>²©µÒÕµ"P(…b^‹Ua®Ý¤H25¯ å:3³

ECHIDNA: òQå†SÌB„ê*¼´‘å0 rªfÅŒÌŠ«†!ÿý€ D32## $”I

CALLIOPE: yes, i am aware of the nature of that juju. the four heroic souls that it contains, and the glory-hound who seeks to release them.

ECHIDNA: zÞýÓgø-.t¶¸-³˜³{ëŒ î¯

CALLIOPE: i think that the artifact serves its purpose well.

CALLIOPE: it is a fitting end for her, to be swallowed up alongside my brother, doomed by her insistence on playing the hero.

CALLIOPE: just as it is a fitting end for him to see it activated in his final moments and to see the fruits of his labours come to naught.

CALLIOPE: but this, too, is immaterial to his defeat.

CALLIOPE: he will still threaten the new universe to which they flee, as it is the universe in which he was born.

ECHIDNA: 1çœKfGDƒFƒw~Ÿ¹Ž²Ò1ªc”+¥œºl×ì}I[qýlÖÆ

CALLIOPE: no?

CALLIOPE: how can that be?

ECHIDNA: ^~4 üGQ5¡@ÜâÐ!9ô«ëæm ¶@™Ø

ECHIDNA: $ÙVKùPuv6¢ñÖ“æêh@žÎ1R€ÕžSÿßÔaëÊét¹X?Å¬YQI §†

CALLIOPE: then...

CALLIOPE: ah.

CALLIOPE: the heir of breath and his power to escape the very bounds of the story?

ECHIDNA: z. Äµ]Éø`!x•†uoF en—éo<Àš

ECHIDNA: äÁ'å/ÙôŽëd²NZ Ù!nWQó‘‑¢Û¸m^ ÙTt[1]`¬ú b©ÖDÃ h™ Ò

CALLIOPE: hm...

CALLIOPE: then it was not a doomed timeline, after all.

CALLIOPE: _she_ was the one who created the universe from which he hails, not them.

ECHIDNA: u™evWq†i–YfÙm§u¨! ÍVr*ôÒ^!žéËeÅ; 

CALLIOPE: i see.

CALLIOPE: his ultimate defeat, then, lies not in the conclusion of his rampage but in his all-consuming insatiability itself.

CALLIOPE: the lord of time may have full control over the alpha timeline, but he will always be constrained by the limits of the story he was born into.

CALLIOPE: they will stand beyond his reach, in a universe he can never destroy.

CALLIOPE: the thought will eat at him for an eternity served cold.

CALLIOPE: ...

CALLIOPE: yes, that is a more fitting end, isn't it?

CALLIOPE: i should have kept the heir's powers in mind. i could have come to that conclusion sooner.

CALLIOPE: a novice mistake.

ECHIDNA: åd e!ýj™ UfFªº[05ÎŽ%áÞìÔËh8§ŠéK!

CALLIOPE: it is none of my concern what he does with the powers he has been granted.

ECHIDNA: ˜^Û ,}?1Î¡Œ™û[1]Xs°‡Ö øb‚_ä 3r 

ECHIDNA: •äzÑš©/á‑ ˜®úžÄÆH¶ Ë0-(©°à-² }G%

CALLIOPE: hmm.

CALLIOPE: if that is what he wishes to do.

CALLIOPE: you already know how i feel about the ghosts.

CALLIOPE: i do not believe it would best serve the story, but it is not my decision to make.

CALLIOPE: i can bring this world to an end, but i cannot write their ending for them.

CALLIOPE: only they have that power.

ECHIDNA: ‰wq–Yô¤v1œh,^…)„ñÅ[1]4álv;T µ

ECHIDNA: NsåÝNñ´e¨ÂRãl~ésÖð>I}v`ïY?"-'DÓ¦lÄL

ECHIDNA: ,Âˆlœßæ œ€¨ÃË»æ?y øgƒb³kEï

ECHIDNA: ø,Q,,Âi‑2¦'ÆuSìÛk•G®Ûd…ðOj

CALLIOPE: yes, that is satisfactory.

CALLIOPE: i can fulfil my duties to you in peace.

ECHIDNA: ?FØÈƒ¢Ñr$ö I¿=Å;(Ô8x à'Û Õõž>ˆ Ìp ýtO$Ò”hûÒ

CALLIOPE: yes.

CALLIOPE: farewell, echidna.


	2. Snoop Prime; or, The Beginning of Something Really Excellent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The survivors enter their new universe and meet the first of many nights to come.

A victory three universes in the making, the SBURB Alpha session had finally been won, and the Incipisphere was silent in the wake of the last collision.

The body of Her Imperious Condescension still lay where she had fallen, the arrogant empress abandoned at last by the clockwork majyyks that left her tied to the mortal plane. The Felt licked their wounds and mulled an allegiance to their new master, another English. Where the two Jacks had clashed there was only a gaping void, Gamzee's fridge lost in the explosion. Flecks of magma cooled atop The Forge, lit by the kaleidoscopic glow of a new universe.

And on Bilious' lilypad stood the assorted survivors who would be the first to enter their new universe.

JOHN: so, everybody's clear on the plan, right?

DAVE: yup

DAVE: first we blow this pop stand and kick it in the new universe

DAVE: which im tentatively naming snoop prime just btw

DAVE: then jade uses her spacey sense to find the perfect solar system to drop earth into

DAVE: and teleports us all to our new old home planet

They were thirteen in total; nine humans, three trolls, and one cherub. The lot of them could hardly believe they had made it this far, awash with an oddly empty sort of relief. The victory felt hollow after all the grief they had lived through, but it was victory nonetheless. A rebuilding soon to come.

JADE: i should warn you guys, i dunno what exactly alt calliope is doing with the green sun, but i can feel my connection to it starting to wane

JADE: this might be the last big use of my powers i can do!!

JOHN: well, as long as it works this time, i guess that's fine.

JADE: honestly itll be nice not being able to feel the green sun burning in the back of my mind all the time

JADE: but ill miss being able to teleport anywhere i want :((

JOHN: i can still do that, at least!

JADE: that...... doesn’t make me feel better, at all

JOHN: sorry.

There was a hollowness that rested inside many of them. For some, like Dirk and Terezi, it had made its home long before the game began. Others, like Jade, had only recently discovered it, that sense of longing and loneliness, wondering if she would ever be made whole. Finally alongside her friends again, she was starting to believe that maybe, just maybe, she could.

DAVE: anyway jade does her thing and were all on earth but its flooded by the batterwitch and janked as fuck

DAVE: so i use my time powers to skip us all ahead to a point where its not indistinguishable from the setting of nintendos 2003 smash hit the wind waker

ROXY: omf i love that game

DAVE: once earth is all terraformed we take all the surviving carapace peeps we rounded up and plop them down in their new home with a bunch of alchemy equipment and shit

DAVE: where my best buddy the mayor builds the can town of his dreams and we all shed a tear of pride at its majesty

DAVE: i skip us ahead again til civilization actually exists and the planets all repopulated by chess dudes

DAVE: and in this new society we can safely recreate the human and troll races and figure out a way for everyone to coexist

DAVE: then we party 24/7 for an eternity

DAVE: im talkin some all out motherfuckin bananas jams

DAVE: shits gonna be so far off the hook that there exists no adequate metaphor to describe the way shit and the hook are completely fuckin irreconcilable

DAVE: and everything is dope forever the end

There were stragglers still to come. Scattered carapacians and consorts who had yet to join the heroes. The sprites, too, who had survived the chaos – Nanna and Nanna, Jasprose and Tavros, and perhaps a few others. And standing off to the side, away from the crowd, Terezi kept a solemn vigil for a girl she wasn't sure would ever return.

ROXY: lets do this shit erryone!!!!

JANE: Hear hear!

JANE: John, I believe it was decided that you would do the honors?

JOHN: right!!

John reached out his hand and let his fingers brush against the doorknob. There was a crackle of electricity and a flash of light.

In that instant, many stories ended, but many more began.

 

* * *

 

 

In the midst of a vast empty space, the survivors stood on a lilypad platform much like the one they had just left. This little pocket of atmosphere was a pittance offered by SBURB for those who hadn't reached god tier and had no immediate way of finding a new livable planet. Knowing Skaia, suffocation in a vacuum might have been the kind of thing it would condone, but it would hardly feel like a _victory_.

KARKAT: WAIT, IS THIS IT???

KARKAT: I WAS KIND OF EXPECTING A FANFARE, OR A WEIRD NEW PLANET, OR SOMETHING

KARKAT: BUT INSTEAD IT'S JUST

KARKAT: ANOTHER LILYPAD???

KARKAT: GEE, THANKS SKAIA. YOU REALLY PULLED THROUGH FOR US ON THIS ONE.

KARKAT: IT'S FUCKING NOTHING.

JADE: oh hush!! of course its nothing

JADE: give me a second to go find us..... something

Jade closed her eyes and focused on the Green Sun, an emerald swirl flickering in and out at the corner of her vision. She felt a phantom limb stretch out across the cosmos, tracing over millions of stars suspended as marbles in the void. Distances and measurements filtered through her mind as it went over the calculations; temperature, climate, orbit and all else.

She found herself drawn to the empty space beside a yellow dwarf. The proportions felt right and the orbit she envisioned danced perfectly around it. This was the place, she knew it. Jade scrunched up in concentration, drawing on every last drop of energy she could still siphon from the Green Sun, and she let herself and her friends surge forward in a flash of light.

When the group regained their bearings, they were standing in the midst of a shady grove, rays of sunlight peeking through the leaves. Jade beamed around at the group, most of whom were too disoriented to smile back.

KARKAT: HOLY FUCK.

KARKAT: IS THAT WHAT IT FEELS EVERY TIME YOU TELEPORT?

KARKAT: CAN WE, LIKE... NEVER DO THAT AGAIN, EVER, PLEASE?

JADE: oh, hush up!!! its not that bad, is it

DAVE: it kinda is

ROXY: i feel like i just downed a bottle of vodka lmao

JADE: well whatever!

JADE: the point is we are here now, and we wont have to do any more spacey travel any time soon

JADE: this is our new home!!

JADE: isnt it pretty :D

JOHN: well, it is a pretty as earth used to be, since it IS earth and all.

JADE: dont be a downer john

ROXY: i think its hella pretty

JADE: thank you, roxy

KARKAT: I THINK IT'S FUCKING BRIGHT, IS WHAT IT IS.

KARKAT: EVEN WITH ALL THESE TREES, I'M STILL SQUINTING!

KARKAT: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU PEOPLE SPEND ALL OF YOUR WAKING HOURS IN THE DAYLIGHT.

TEREZI: 4R3 YOU BL1ND, K4RK4T

TEREZI: 1S TH3 L1GHT BL1ND1NG YOU

TEREZI: DO YOU CLOS3 YOUR 3Y3S 4ND S33 ONLY 4 D33P BURN1NG R3D TH4T WON'T L34V3 NO M4TT3R HOW H4RD YOU TRY

KARKAT: UH, NO?

TEREZI: TH3N 1T'S NOT TH4T BR1GHT

TEREZI: STOP WH1N1NG

DAVE: yeah dude if its that bad you can just borrow a pair of my shades

DAVE: fuck it here

Dave shrugged and took off his shades, blinking in the sunlight as his eyes adjusted. Despite Karkat's fussing, he reached down and gently placed them onto Karkat's face.

JADE: :O

JADE: dave i dont think ive ever seen your bare eyes!!!

ROSE: Wow. Neither have I, and I spent three years in close proximity to him.

ROSE: I could write a treatise on the psychological implications of this moment.

Another shrug.

DAVE: guys

DAVE: i dont know how to break this to you

DAVE: this is a staggering fuckin revelation and yall might want to sit down

DAVE: but

DAVE: theyre just sunglasses

JADE: ...

DAVE: anyway lets get the chess people all set up

JADE: um, right!!!

Jade retrieved a number of planets she had shrunken down and stowed in her inventory, and allowed them to orbit her hand while she mentally searched them. Finding everything she wanted was an easy task, and with a snap of her fingers she had enlarged the contents and placed them on the ground with a dull thump. First, a number of meteors from the veil, each filled to the brim with machinery for the construction of buildings and duplication of SBURB's mass-produced NPCs. Second, a gaggle of a few hundred disoriented looking carapacians, with the Wayward Vagabond and Peregrine Mendicant standing at the fore.

JADE: there we are!!!

JADE: everyones here now

JADE: or at least, all of the chess people are here

JADE: i will retrieve the consorts later, once we all get settled in

DAVE: nice

Dave approached WV with a smile.

DAVE: this is it dude

DAVE: i know youve like always wanted to be a real mayor in charge of an actual town

DAVE: like made of buildings and people instead of cans and chalk

DAVE: well here we are

DAVE: this whole planet is just free for the towning

DAVE: ready to get towned up by some intrepid settler

DAVE: and thats where you come in buddy

DAVE: youre the settler

DAVE: its you

DAVE: we brought a bunch of chess peeps for you to pal it up with and help build a new society

DAVE: got a shitload of random ass machines we ganked from the sburb session too

DAVE: dont even know what half these things do but i think you can use them probably

DAVE: anyway

DAVE: this is your chance to be the best mayor this planet has ever seen

DAVE: also the first but i mean

DAVE: who is ever going to top you

DAVE: nobody thats who

DAVE: and i aint talkin some odysseian shit here like one day youre gonna be usurped by a greek hero using a fake name

DAVE: im talkin you going down in history straight up as the greatest fuckin damn mayor who ever lived or will live

DAVE: the dude who mayored the everloving shit out of a whole god damn planet

DAVE: mayored so hard that the planet was completely devoid of fecal matter when he was done

DAVE: thats who youre gonna be i just feel it in my bones

DAVE: and im

DAVE: im gonna be

DAVE: so proud of you man

DAVE: there arent even words for how proud i am

DAVE: go ahead ask janes dad

DAVE: hey janes dad are there words for how proud i am

DAVE: no see hes shakin his head

DAVE: okay maybe hes confused

DAVE: im kind of getting off on this huge tangent here and losing my train of thought but the point is

DAVE: youre gonna be great

DAVE: and i cant wait to see what kind of burgeoning metropolis you turn this place into

DAVE: but luckily

DAVE: i can just go there right now with my time powers

DAVE: which is what im gonna do so

DAVE: catch you in a few centuries my dude

DAVE: stay fresh

Dave pulled WV into a tight hug and pounded his fist on the Mayor's back, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

JOHN: um, dave, are you crying?

DAVE: tears of a rapper john

DAVE: *sob*

DAVE: tears of a rapper

WV gave his friend a short, gratified nod. It was all Dave needed to see. As always, The Mayor seemed capable of communicating so much through so very little. Dave wiped his cheek and turned back to his friends.

DAVE: alright

DAVE: lets do this shit

DAVE: everyones gotta be holding hands so i can transport you all through time

DAVE: cmon grab yourself a chrono buddy or two dont be shy

Dave extended open palms to his left and right. Karkat clasped one of Dave's hands with an embarrassed blush, refusing to meet the eyes of anyone else around.

DAVE: yes excellent

DAVE: rose kanaya i see you were already holding hands

DAVE: ahead of the fuckin game right there

DAVE: now kanana split you can grab karkat

DAVE: yeah alright thats it

DAVE: jane and janedad throwin down some fuckin a to the dorable familial hand holding nice nice

DAVE: okay jake you grab janes hand and dirk you grab jakes just like that

DAVE: rose youve got dirk

DAVE: roxy you can hold jane dads free hand get yourself a piece of dilf

JANE: Eugh!

DAVE: yeahhhh okay that one just kind of slipped

DAVE: calliopes got roxs other hand sweet sweet

DAVE: thats what we all like to see here in time circle 2k-new calendar

DAVE: lets see whos missing

DAVE: tz get in here somewhere

TEREZI: OK4Y, 1'LL GR4B JOHN

JOHN: augh! terezi, that's my butt, not my hand!

TEREZI: ST1LL COUNTS

DAVE: shes got a point

DAVE: alright now for you john time to complete the chain

DAVE: hold my hand

DAVE: no homo

JOHN: dude, come on. i'm not afraid of holding a guy's hand.

JOHN: here!

DAVE: sike full homo

DAVE: hahaha fuckin owned youre gay now dude

JOHN: ...

DAVE: seriously though have you ever really just sat down and thought about—

Dave's voice was lost to an echo as his powers activated and the party disappeared in a clockwork whirl, leaving only a gaggle of confused carapacians in their wake.

 

 

* * *

 

 

JOHN: —think that i would know by now! i mean, i'm practically almost an adult, and...

JOHN: whoa.

They were standing in what seemed to be a town square, with a number of vaguely can-shaped buildings stretching out toward the horizon. A cobblestone path carved its way through winding trees and rocks toward the town hall, a chiseled stone building with a great glowing amber gemstone perched atop it. Carapacian people were milling about, enjoying a sunny afternoon and quite perplexed by the sudden appearance of thirteen newcomers standing in a circle.

ROXY: daaaaaaaaamn

ROXY: mayor did some mfin work

TEREZI: SM3LLS 4LR1GHT 1 GU3SS

TEREZI: BUT TH3R3'S 4 S3R1OUS L4CK OF TH3 COLOR R3D

TEREZI: 4LL OF TH3S3 BU1LD1NGS 4R3 1NSUFF3R4BLY BL4ND

CALLIOPE: hmmm, i don't know.

CALLIOPE: i think this town has a very homey aesthetic.

TEREZI: MOR3 L1K3 HOM3LY

TEREZI: BL4RGH

JOHN: guys, shut up.

JOHN: everyone's staring at us.

A small crowd had formed around the group, their expressions a mixture of fear and awe. A lady in an ankle-length skirt that seemed to have been fashioned from a misplaced set of Jane's bedsheets approached meekly and spoke to Rose in a hushed tone.

ROSE: Ah.

ROSE: It would seem that their history books speak of us as the gods who created this planet and allowed the city to flourish through our benevolence,

ROSE: And foretold that we would one day grace the world in flesh and blood.

ROSE: So, they might be a little worried about being smote.

ROSE: You know how gods are.

JOHN: okay, um.

JOHN: ahem!!!!

JOHN: dear chess people,

JOHN: we come in peace!

JOHN: even though we are gods, or whatever, we are also just teenagers, and we are here to settle down and live normal lives.

JOHN: except, you know, with plenty of god powers and stuff.

JOHN: but we won't smite you!!!

JOHN: that is a promise i can make with absolute certainty.

JOHN: okay?

The assembled crowd nodded and dispersed, going on with their normal lives. Carapacians, it seemed, were already accustomed enough to weird nonsense that they were quite agreeable when more nonsense reared its head.

JOHN: wow.

JOHN: that was easy.

JOHN: maybe i'm just really good at public speaking?

TEREZI: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4

TEREZI: OK4Y L3T'S GO F1ND TH3 M4YOR

The most obvious place to look was the town hall, its amber ornament casting the faintest orange glow into the daylight. The town hall looked much the same on the inside, with dark marbled halls lit by amber-orange lights. There was an unoccupied counter directly across from the entrance, and the security guard standing nearby just shrugged and waved the group inside. Apparently, today had been declared a national holiday for some totally indecipherable reason, which would explain the crowds in the park.

Behind the empty counter and past a short partition, there was a large room with burnished bronze doors and a large plaque above them, depicting the city's beloved leader. And inside the room, at a plain-looking desk, sat a small and unassuming black figure wearing a simple sash that read "Mayor". Can Town's most esteemed Warden Votesanctioned perked up immediately at the sight of the newcomers, eyes drawn to the boy in red. For Dave it had been mere moments since they last saw each other, but for WV, it had been centuries.

There was no desk sturdy enough to bear the brunt of The Mayor's weight as he charged forward, gamboling over his office furniture as he threw himself into Dave's arms. The two laughed and laughed, spinning in circles around the room while WV's beleaguered assistant looked on in exasperation.

Finally, Dave set WV down and the carapace turned his attention to the rest of the group. To Karkat, he squeezed his claws shut and offered a fist bump; to John, the windy boy he had guided so many long years ago, he offered a knowing nod, a magical little twinkle in his eye. John felt an oddly familiar warmth in his heart – from WV, he sensed the same aura of glowing pride that his father had often exuded.

There was plenty of paperwork left on WV's desk for him to attend to and he gave a shit about precisely none of it. There would be time for that boring nonsense later, and plenty of willing colleagues to pass the burden onto. For now, it was time to catch up with his dear friends, the gods who had made this beautiful new world possible.

And oh, how much catching up there was! He had many cohorts to introduce them to; his chief advisor (not to mention overseer of the nationwide delivery system) whom they had already briefly met, the Package Ministrator; his bodyguard, a loyal and just Authority Regulator; the keeper of the local library, a mysterious lady of oddly regal countenance known as the Willowy Quietician. Meeting them all would be, in his esteemed mayorly opinion, oodles of fun.

DAVE: hey buddy i appreciate all the sick bro bonding time youve got scheduled out for us but before we start i just wanna throw a quick question out to the crowd

DAVE: is anyone else

DAVE: tired

DAVE: as all fuckin get out

JANE: Heavens, yes.

JANE: I confess that I was hoping somebody else would bring it up so I didn't have to be Miss Betty Bother about it all, but...

JANE: Why, I'm absolutely bushed.

ROXY: i agree with my homegirl

ROXY: im not sure i remember the last time i caught some zs what with all the nonsense weve been through n im just

ROXY: jonesin for one hell of a snooze cruise right about now

KANAYA: I Too Would Love A Slumber Vacation

KANAYA: Whether It Takes Place On A Seafaring Vessel Or Not

DAVE: so yeah

DAVE: maybe you can give us a quick tour dude but after that were gonna have to bounce

DAVE: dont worry though well be back tomorrow i guarantee it

The Mayor nodded sternly. A very enlightening tome had once taught him that it was very impolite to keep a human from their rest, and he was loathe to inflict such misery on his friends. Instead, he simply submitted a query: did they have a place to stay? Can Town had plenty of empty houses that he would be happy to provide for them.

DAVE: nah i think were good

ROSE: If there is one thing for which we will never again lack, it's architecture.

DIRK: No shit.

DIRK: I'm pretty sure my house blew up when we finished off those two Jacks, but seven houses remain.

DIRK: Which leaves us, by my count...

DIRK: A metric fuckton of real estate.

DIRK: _Free_ real estate, even.

ROXY: estates just dont get any realer or freer than the estates what we got

DIRK: Word.

JOHN: i guess that's what we'll do, then!

JOHN: jade's got all of our planets with the houses on them, so she can just pull them out for us.

JOHN: and the meteor that you guys came in on should be on earth somewhere, too.

JADE: yeah

JADE: and then everyone can go back home and sleep

JADE: if everyone wants to sleep in their own bed that is

JADE: um, except dirk i guess

JADE: sorry dirk

DIRK: Shrug.

JADE: but um,

JADE: i......

JADE: i dont, uh.....

JADE: i just

Jade trailed off into a meek silence and bit her lip, nervously scratching her arm as she looked away.

DAVE: uh

DAVE: is everything okay

All she managed was to shake her head. It looked as though tears were welling at the corners of her eyes. It was all she could do to keep from breaking down in front of her friends, the words on the tip of her tongue, but reluctant to come out.

CALLIOPE: pardon, bUt...

CALLIOPE: well, it seems to me that jade has been a very, very lonely soUl for mUch of these past three years.

CALLIOPE: perhaps she does not wish to slUmber alone for the Umpteenth time?

CALLIOPE: i know that i for one am rather averse to the thoUght of retUrning to the singUlar emptiness that i have known all these years.

There was a solemn pause as Jade slowly nodded. Nobody really knew what to say, if there was even anything to be said. Finally, Roxy spoke:

ROXY: well umm

ROXY: why dont we like

ROXY: have

ROXY: a sleepover?

JANE: Oh, that sounds like a wonderful idea!

CALLIOPE: ah, yes! i've longed to experience this phenomenon firsthand.

CALLIOPE: the hUman slUmber party, a ritUal whereUpon females bolster their friendship by prancing aboUt in varying states of negligee whilst playing sUch arcane games as "trUth or dare", giving each other lavish cosmetic makeovers, and battering each other with their pUffy slUmber loaves.

ROXY: LMAO

ROXY: yeah somethin like that

ROXY: what do you guys say

JADE: you know what

JADE: that would be really really nice!!! :')

JADE: oh my gosh im getting excited just thinking about it....

JADE: ive had sleepovers before but it was mostly with like goofy lizards

JADE: or johns nanna

JADE: and i dont think thatll really be the same as hanging out with my close pals

JADE: no offense to johns nanna

JOHN: none taken! JANE: None taken.

JADE: so, where are we gonna be throwing this bash?? :o

JADE: we have a lot of options available

ROXY: i nominate johns house!!!

JOHN: oh? why's that?

ROXY: bcuz a) if its anything like janeys house its gonna be mega cozy and the perfect lil size for maximum snuggle potential

ROXY: and b) ive always been curious 2 see what it looks like

ROXY: in ur bedroom ;o

JOHN: :O

JANE: Oh my god, Roxy.

TEREZI: WOW

TEREZI: 1 L34V3 FOR L1K3 T3N M1NUT3S TO GO L1CK 3V3RY P41NT1NG 1N TH3 BU1LD1NG 4ND 1 R3TURN TO TH1S D1SGUST1NG D1SPL4Y OF YOUR HUM4N H3T3ROS3XU4L1TY

TEREZI: WHY DO 1 L3T YOU N3RDS DO 4NYTH1NG W1THOUT MY SUP3RV1S1ON

JOHN: ugh, terezi, do we really have to get into this?

TEREZI: G3T 1NTO WH4T

TEREZI: 4 FR4NK 4ND OP3N D1SCUSS1ON OF TH3 M4NY W4YS 1N WH1CH YOUR SOC14L B3H4V1OR OFF3NDS 3V3RY S3NS3 1 ST1LL H4V3

TEREZI: B3C4US3 Y3S, Y3S W3 DO

JADE: AHEM

JADE: its settled then!!!

JADE: ill go get johns house all set up somewhere nice and ill come fetch you guys once im done, okay?

JOHN: yes, that is that, thank you jade!

DAVE: catch you soon harley

Dave flashed her a thumbs-up and a smile and then turned back to WV to catch up with his friend. The rest of the group followed suit, milling about the office and chatting amongst themselves: John and Terezi bickering as Roxy watched in amusement; Rose, Dirk, and Karkat having a heated discussion about a particular painting in WV's office that appeared to depict an erotic horse man; Jane discussing chaperoning arrangements with her father.

Before she left, Jade nudged Calliope on the shoulder and whispered a quiet thank you. The girl smiled at Jade and nodded serenely.

CALLIOPE: i think, if there is any jUstice in this new world we've made...

CALLIOPE: yoU and i will never have to be lonely again.

 

* * *

 

 

The setting sun found Mr. Crocker perched on the living room stairs in John's house, the window casting a line of tawny orange across his chest. He sat in paternal silence, watching over the group of teens that occupied the house. There had been no party games tonight; the exhausted crew had only managed light conversation before sleep claimed them. Once he was satisfied of their safety, Mr. Crocker retired to his room. As he passed by the bathroom, he detected the light snoring of the troll girl who had, for her own reasons, sequestered herself away from the rest of the group and fallen asleep in the tub.

In the living room, Dave had gathered as many pillows as he could find and piled them in the center of the room. He slept there, head buried in the pile with Karkat curled uneasily against his chest. Kanaya laid beside him, arms and legs tangled with Rose's, the two sharing a warm embrace.

Dirk was propped up against the couch with Jane slumbering peacefully in his lap, his arms tucked around her waist. Jake snored loudly across from him, curled up into a ball. Dirk spent most of the night awake, his eyes flicking back and forth across the room, keeping silent vigil. His neck itched every time he swallowed.

Roxy lay at the foot of the couch with Calliope nestled into the crook of her neck, the girl's smooth skull fitting neatly against her. Callie's bony fingers were intertwined with Roxy's; with her other hand, Roxy held onto John's outstretched arm as he lay on his side and snored. Jade clung to her brother, arms twined so tightly around his waist it was as if she'd never let go.

In the interest of courtesy, the group collectively pretended that they didn't hear Jade sobbing on-and-off throughout the night. 

And, ever polite, Jade did the same for them.


	3. More Clown Nonsense; or, Another Genesis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elsewhere in Paradox Space, another session finds bitter victory.

Elsewhere in Paradox Space, the SBURB Alpha session had been completely derailed, and the Incipisphere was silent in the wake of the cataclysm.

Her Imperious Condescension hovered above the wreckage, surveying it with a scowl. Fire, magma, and broken architecture were strewn about the ground alongside the corpses of the children who were meant to finish the session. What a fucking mess.

It wasn't supposed to be this way, of course. Some wannabe-hero from a dead session had stolen an artifact of great power, brought herself back to life, and tried to usurp the session. The Condesce didn't know what, exactly, the idiot troll had been planning to do, and she didn't care either. The fool had been arrogant enough to think she deserved resurrection, but life was the empress' domain, and nobody lived or died without _her_ permission.

The Condesce now clutched the Ring of Life in her palm, holding on tightly. While the Condesce was very capable of manipulating lifespans, not even she could cheat death. This ring was her only hope at salvaging the session – it would bring her Maid back.

She scanned the battlefield and spotted Jane lying beside some disturbingly handsome chump in a skimpy speedo. Doing her best to ignore him, The Condesce stooped down and took hold of Jane's left hand, forcing the ring onto her finger. There was a brief pause, and then the ring glowed as its resurrective magic began to take effect. The lights on her tiaratop flashed on and off and Jane slowly came back into consciousness, her computerized brain rebooting itself. She groaned and rubbed her forehead, blinking at the bright lava that surrounded them.

JANE:  Oh, god... My head is killing me.

JANE:  What... what happened?

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: everybodys dead

JANE:  You mean like DEAD dead?

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: yea theys dead

JANE:  Everybody??

JANE:  Even Roxy???!!!

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: fuck idk just stfu for a second and lemme talk

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: some jank ass mini mindfang tore this sesh the fuck up

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: and now a buncha suckas is dead and it is fuckin up ma plans big time

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: also i may have tossed a couple a planets around and fucked them all up too

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: but w/e aint like they meant nofin in the grand scheme of things

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: i think???

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: point is i need yall to go revive all these dead ass mofos so we can get this shit back in order

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: gimme a status report once you done makin sure we can still make a new universe

JANE:  Of course, my Empress.

JANE:  ...

JANE:  Er...

JANE:  When you say I have to revive everyone, does that include the clown?

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: did i or did i not say revive all of them

JANE:  You did, my Empress.

JANE:  It's just...

JANE:  He's so...

JANE:  He _cannot_ be necessary for the completion of the new universe, can he?

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: ughhhgh hang on lemme bubble check

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: geddit like double check cept with somefin more watery

JANE:  Ha ha ha, yes, I get it. Your wit is boundless, my Empress.

JANE:  (God save me.)

The Condesce pulled out her clamshell flip-phone and scrolled through her chat logs. Among them was a list of instructions that had been left for her by her master's servant, the weird puppet man with a cueball for a head. She hated that guy. Gritting her teeth, she highlighted all of his infuriating white text and skimmed through it.

There is one more thing I suppose I should mention. A footnote, if you will, given how unlikely it is to be relevant to your plans.

Yet, paradoxically, how vastly it could derail them if anything goes awry.

I speak of course of the wildcard who will arrive alongside the other trolls that enter your session.

The Bard of Rage, Gamzee Makara.

Scion of the subjugglators, worshipper of our deathly religion and inheritor of our ultimate destiny.

He must survive at all costs.

I will not bother to explain why, because I know you do not care, but his survival is a crucial aspect of the alpha timeline.

Now, as I'm certain you are aware, clowns are notoriously difficult to kill.

I am not aware of a single timeline in which he perishes.

But, as I am also certain you are aware, there are no plans which survive first contact with Paradox Space, and no rules which Paradox Space cannot bend, even as they remain unbroken.

If by some stroke of fate the clown dies, our contract will be broken and you will find yourself the brief ruler of a doomed timeline.

Keep him alive.

The Condesce flipped her phone shut and shrugged at her maid.

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: yea clowns gotta live

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: DWI

JANE:  Ugh...

JANE:  As you wish, my Empress, I shall dee-doubleyou-eye.

JANE:  But I shan't be happy about it!

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: whateva

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: condy out

The Condesce flashed a peace sign and flew off into the distance, leaving Jane alone. It was only after she took a moment to glance around and get her bearings that she realized Jake's corpse was lying on the ground beside her. Ah, yes! Now she remembered. The heroic idiot had jumped in front of a sword for her, even after all she had put him through.

Perhaps he wasn't entirely awful. In fact, hadn't she begun to reconcile with him in the afterlife, before being abruptly pulled back into the world of the living? She would have to rethink the terms of the slavery she was going to offer him once they reached the new universe. Another meal a day, perhaps? Extra TV privileges? Or maybe she should even give up on the whole idea, and allow him his freedom...? Well, that might be going a little _too_ far.

In any case, she would decide later, once she was done all of the heavy lifting. For now, he wasn't getting any deader. She had more pressing matters to attend to.

Jane decided to begin with her ectobiological daughter. She had last seen Jade's body being carried away by the dog carapacians, and she had an inkling of where they had taken her. Jane flew over the burning treetops of Jade's land, eyes peeled for the spire that housed Jade's Quest Bed. Sure enough, she spotted Jade's body lying lifeless atop the stone slab, alongside two others.

Jane dove closer to investigate. One of the unknown corpses was that time player – Dave? – who had called her hot.

The other corpse was... Wait, no. It was not a corpse, but a living, unconscious carapacian. It was Jack, laying in a pool of his own blood and breathing faintly, his ring stolen. Presumably, the white one had taken it. Jane would eventually have to track her down, too.

But, one step at a time. Jane activated the communicator in her tiaratop and called up her liege.

JANE:  My Empress.

JANE:  I am about to revive Jade.

JANE:  Prepare your mind control.

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: aight go

Jane concentrated on her healing power, allowing the bright teal strands of energy to wrap themselves around Jade and ensconce her in a restorative cocoon. Her body glowed and floated up into the air for a brief moment, and then her eyes shot open. She groaned and rubbed her head much as Jane had done when she awoke.

JADE: oh god, my head is killing me!!! DX<

JADE: what happ-- hrkkk!

She'd barely had time to talk before The Condesce invaded her mind once more, reconditioning her to be an obedient servant. Jade collapsed to her hands and knees, letting out a low whine, before finally looking up.

JADE:  aghh!!! god that hurts

JADE:  it makes my mind feel all achey and woozy and bluuhhhh why does our sweet and lovely empress have to resort to such genius underhanded tactics

JADE:  ...

JADE:  oh!!!! jane

JADE:  hi jane

JANE:  Hello, Jade.

JADE:  what happened? :o

JADE:  i remember jake going haywire and some weird troll acting all smug, and then.....

JADE:  i woke up alongside dave in some blank void

JADE:  we talked for a little while and then suddenly i was here

JANE:  It's a long story.

JANE:  You died.

JANE:  You're alive now.

JADE:  i can see that

JADE:  thank you!!!!

JANE:  There is nothing to be thankful for. This session has been torn apart, and we've been saddled with loads of unnecessary gruntwork to put the pieces back together.

JANE:  Move aside, would you? I need to revive this other dead kid.

JADE:  oh, right

JADE:  dave

JADE:  ...

JADE:  i bet he wouldnt have died if hed just used his time powers

JADE:  i TOLD him about his time powers

JADE:  i warned him!!!

JANE:  Shoosh. I need to concentrate.

Jane directed her powers toward his corpse and resurrected him, just as she had done to Jade. Dave groaned, equipping his fallen sunglasses and blinking at the girls before him.

DAVE: oh fuck

DAVE: you two are evil again???

JANE:  Yes, that is a fair assessment of the circumstances.

DAVE: goddamn

DAVE: i was hoping that the whole dying thing would have fixed that but i guess not

JADE:  nope, i am afraid not

JADE:  youre stuck with evil us!!

DAVE: well shit

DAVE: im outie then

Dave made to escape, but Jade simply grabbed onto his cape and yanked him back down. It was such a pathetically unsuccessful escape attempt, both of them were saddened by it.

JADE:  not so fast bucko!!!!

JADE:  lest you forget you are under the jurisdiction of our empress now

JADE:  you are going to help jane and i restore this session to its former glory

JADE:  with your time powers at hand, we should be capable of quickly setting things right

DAVE: okay but what if like

DAVE: i didnt do that

JADE:  what if you dont have a choice!!!!

DAVE: hmm

DAVE: okay but what if like

DAVE: i did have a choice

JADE:  uggghghghghghhhh!!!!!! god youre insufferable

JANE:  Jade, please.

JANE:  I believe I know the perfect way to deal with this uncooperative hooligan.

Jane stepped close to Dave and leaned down, gently cupping one of his cheeks, and using her other hand to tousle his hair lovingly. With pouting lips and half-lidded eyes, she gazed deeply into the rubies hidden behind his shades, and spoke softly.

JANE:  Surely, mister knight, a handsome and strapping hero like yourself would be loath to abandon ladies in need...?

DAVE: uh

JANE:  We are but poor, defenseless damsels drafted into the service of an evil queen, and only with your assistance might we prevail.

JANE:  I'm certain that if you lent us your aid, you would find yourself _greatly_ rewarded, hm~?

DAVE: uhhhhhhh

JADE:  ohhh my god, ewwwww!!! no

JADE:  im not going to stand here and watch my kinda mom seduce one of my best friends, who is also my kinda ex

JANE:  Jade, shoosh!

JANE:  I am simply employing methods of coercion which are known to be particularly effective on men of his age and predisposition.

JANE:  Do not mistake this for any sort of genuine affection or weakness on my part.

JANE:  There is nothing of the sort present!

JADE:  oh my god and now you just stand in front of him and say you dont actually like him???

JADE:  while trying to seduce him?????

JADE:  youre terrible at this

JADE:  i could do a better job!!

JANE:  No!

JANE:  You just said yourself that he is your ex. Any attempt to seduce him is folly, destined to fail.

JADE:  i said hes my KINDA ex!!!! i dated a different version of him jeeeez

JANE:  A different version of him?

JANE:  How many Daves are running about this session, anyway??

JADE:  um

JADE:  two probably but thats not the point right now!!

JADE:  the point is you are about as seductive as a rock >:\

JADE:  a really weird and craggy looking rock, not one of those rocks that kind of looks like a nice butt

JANE:  I'll have you know that I have been told on multiple occasions by my best friend Roxy that I have a very attractive patootie!

JANE:  And regardless, I still believe that—

JANE:  Wait.

JANE:  Where did he go?

JADE:  ...

JADE:  oh my god we suck at this

While the two were distacted by their argument, Dave had made his swift escape. His scent was lingering in the air, but too muddied by the smell of blood and death for Jade to properly track him. She groaned and threw herself down onto her Quest Bed, staring up at the sky in a huff.

JADE:  ughhhhh

JADE:  dave is such a jackass

JADE:  its not like we are asking much of him!!! just his total obedience to our empresses whims

JADE:  no biggie

JANE:  Whatever.

JANE:  We can track him down later.

JANE:  For now, we have duties to attend to.

JADE:  oh, right!!!

Jade hopped back up to her feet and felt a sudden dampness as she stepped in one of the pools of blood left by the battle.

JADE:  bluhhh!!!! ugh, ew

JADE:  ...

JADE:  hang on a second.....

JADE:  where did my shoes go! >:o

 

* * *

 

 

The afterlife was fucking dull.

It had been dull when Gamzee was alive, travelling through bubbles on the meteor and plotting in secret with his fellow worshippers. It was dull now, worthless memories reflected in the glassy blankness of his ghostly eyes. He had believed, once, in a place like this – millions of souls congregating together in the dark carnival – but this place was a pale joke compared to the nirvana he had envisioned. What good was it to relive old and stale memories? Where was the magic in that?

Perhaps he was just taking out his impotent rage against his surroundings. It wasn't supposed to end this way. The man who spoke in white, Scratch, he had told him – promised him – that if he followed his instructions, Gamzee would meet his messiahs. No, more than that, he would become them... The power had always been within him, the destiny always charted – Gamzee Makara would become part of a god. So long as Gamzee followed the path like a true believer, so long as he had faith in his own bardly blood, he could survive anything that stood in his way.

So why was he here? Why had he died?

There was, of course, the literal explanation: copious blood loss after being sliced clean in two by a roaring chainsaw. But that jade-blooded vampire-wannabe _bitch_ shouldn't have been able to cut so cleanly through his steely indigo-born skin. Had Terezi really managed to wound him so heavily, make him so vulnerable? Another joke. The coward had dropped her weapons the moment he put on his wounded face. She had nothing on him. _Nothing._ They were far, far beneath him, the three trolls he had shared his meteor journey with. Terezi was the only one who provided more than a passing distraction, and even she turned out to be a disappointment in the end.

So _why...?_

He must have done something wrong. That _had_ to be it. He had come too far to accept that Scratch might have lied to him about his destiny. No, he had clearly failed to please his master, failed to bring about the Lord's ascension. Some other Gamzee would inherit their destiny.

Gamzee let out a shaky sigh and settle himself down, crossing his legs and bowing his head in prayer. There was nothing else to do. He would concentrate on the burning anger within him, the wicked rage imbued in him by his ancestors, and hope against hope for his fury to rain miracles like stardust down upon the lucky other Gamzee who was fit to join his Lord.

And as Gamzee prayed, he felt a sudden lightness, as if he was floating away...

 

JANE:  You.

JANE:  Get up.

Gamzee blinked and found himself staring into Jane's sunken, dark eyes. He stretched out, wiggled his fingers and felt the heat of blood rushing through them. He was back in the world of the living, body whole again... His face contorted into a wide, wide grin.

GAMZEE: motherfu—

JANE:  No.

JANE:  No no no.

JANE:  No no no, no no no, no no no no no.

JANE:  Let me make myself perfectly clear.

JANE:  I will not stand for even one more second of your clown nonsense.

JANE:  You will not speak to me, you will not touch me, and you will not even dare to breathe in my presence.

JANE:  If you fail to abide by these rules, I will kill you deader than dead, and you will NOT be coming back this time.

JANE:  Is that understood?

GAMZEE: honk. :o(

JANE:  Good.

JANE:  You may now proceed to engage in whatever foolish and irrelevant clown antics you wish, as long as they DON’T involve me.

JANE:  Jade and I are going to go do _important_ things.

JANE:  Farewell.

The maid flew off with the freaky werewolf chick in tow, leaving Gamzee sitting alone, afloat on the lake of magma. What a shame. That chick was so annoying uptight. He'd have loved to have more fun with her.

But Gamzee still had work to do. Perhaps this session could still bear fruit, and if it could, he had to ensure everything was in place for his master's arrival. Searching through his sylladex, Gamzee checked and double-checked to make sure he had gathered up all the offerings he would present to his young master once they finally met. Mostly satisfied with what he found, he pulled out the rocket unicycle he had alchemized all those sweeps ago during his own session. He was nearly ready for the new universe, but there was one loose end he should still tie up...

 

An hour later, Gamzee found his quarry amongst the wreckage of Mounds and Xenon. Lord Jack stood surrounded by an army of bright green stooges, his cyborg foe bleeding on the ground at his feet. Spades Slick was a powerful combatant, to be certain, but he couldn't hope to match Lord English's powers.

Gamzee didn't quite recognize the green fellows, but there was only one explanation for them. They must be his master's servants, The Felt. Judging by the golden staff that lay beside Spade's corpse, they must have followed him into this session and defected to their Lord's side once he proved victorious. It was so trivially easy to deduce, Gamzee couldn't help but laugh. Ever since he had sobered up, ever since that human in the shades had stolen the mysteries away from his world, Gamzee had found it laughably simple to make deductions and manipulate others. Who said Pyrope was the only detective around?

Gamzee hopped down from his unicycle, not-so-gracefully slamming into the ground in front of the crowd of Felt. He stood up, dusted himself off, and regarded Lord Jack with a genial smile. The carapace had done his job just fine, but his time was up.

GAMZEE: so.

GAMZEE: MOTHERFUCKIN SO.

GAMZEE: looks like you've all had yourself some real motherfuckin fun.

GAMZEE: HOPE Y'ALL ENJOYED A TASTE OF THE MOTHERFUCKIN CLOWN LOVE, MOTHERFUCKER.

GAMZEE: now.

GAMZEE: MOTHERFUCKIN NOW.

GAMZEE: i'm all going to need you to return the gifts i so graciously lent you.

GAMZEE: CAPICHE?

Lord Jack frowned at Gamzee and glanced down to the Crowbar in his hand. His lips curled into a sneer as he paced back and forth, hands shaking furiously, and then he opened his maw wide and unleashed a blast of hot, psychedelic fire.

GAMZEE: motherFUCK--!

Gamzee hadn’t been expecting that. His clownish reflexes were just fast enough for him to dodge out of the way, rolling to the side. It seemed that Jack wasn't going to give up his newfound powers without a fight. Even though Lord English's eyes were staring out through the carapace's head, the mind inside was struggling to win back control of his body. Perhaps giving such all-consuming power to a known rulebreaker hadn't been the best idea, after all.

GAMZEE: so that's gonna be the way you all is playing at me.

GAMZEE: SOME WEAK-ASS MOTHERFUCKIN VULTURE NONSENSE.

GAMZEE: fine.

GAMZEE: FINE.

GAMZEE: i'll just have to up and take this chedda back.

GAMZEE: FOR MY MASTER.

GAMZEE: and also,

GAMZEE: FOR MYSELF. ;o)

Gamzee launched himself forward, pulling two clubs from his sylladex. He bobbed and weaved through the lime green crowd like a wicked ballerina, arms swinging about in clockwork patterns as he smacked fools left and right. The unruly leprechauns ducked away from his blows and ran for cover. The stupid and cowardly things were too awed by his might and reflexes to put up a good defense. Why was everyone so determined to take away his fun today?

Jack was the only one to charge forward to meet Gamzee in combat, but he was just as much a joke as the others; all it took was one good blow with a club to throw him off balance, giving Gamzee the opportunity to slam both clubs down on either side of his crowbar and yank upwards, sending it spinning away. Jack, disarmed, tried to unleash another blast of energy, but before he could finish, Gamzee was already standing behind him. Child's play.

Now, what did the white guy say about his master's weakness, again? Right, right. Cueballs. Gamzee searched his Jokerkind specibus and retrieved a simple white pistol, loaded with a single bullet. "Just in case," Scratch had said when he instructed Gamzee to craft it. That riddlemaster sure knew what he was talking about.

Gamzee pointed his pistol at the back of Jack's head and squeezed the trigger. There was a short, muted _bang_ as the cue-bullet tore through Jack's skull and out the other end. The rebel carapace seized up and then fell to the ground, stone cold dead.

GAMZEE: i'll see your soul in the dark carnival, brother.

Gamzee rolled the corpse over and looked into Jack's still-rotating pool ball eyes. His head was beginning to glow and vibrate in an alarming manner; Gamzee reached down and ripped out both eyes, one by one, and the clockwork powers died before they could properly detonate. Lord Jack was no more.

With that little bit of business taken care of, Gamzee glanced out at the crowd of Felt, curious to see if they would avenge their fallen master. Instead, they all knelt to him, considering him their new boss. What a joke. The spineless cretins would kneel to anyone stronger than they were. If only they knew who he _really_ was. If only they knew how close he was to their _true_ master.

Still, there was something delicious about their worship, even if they gave it for all the wrong reasons. Basking in the reverence they showed him, Gamzee picked up the crowbar that he had earlier disarmed and twirled it around in his hands, watching the light glint off its bloodstained surface. He stashed the weapon in his sylladex alongside the two eyes he had taken from Lord Jack. This was all he needed from these jokers; without bothering to leave any instructions for his new subordinates, Gamzee hopped back onto his unicycle and flew off into the distance, honking merrily.

 

* * *

 

Hours later, Jade and Jane knelt in the Dersite throne room, their faces bathed in the sinister purple light that filtered through the stained-glass windows. Her Imperious Condescension was lounging on her throne, legs crossed. Her lips were curled into their usual disdainful sneer, her eyes half-lidded as she surveyed her lackeys.

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: so

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: wassup

JANE:  We've returned from our scouting expedition.

JANE:  There is good news, and there is bad news.

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: yea aight

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: gimme the good news

JANE:  Alright.

JANE:  Jade and myself are alive.

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: ...

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: and what else

JANE:  ... And that's it.

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: beach my fuckin whale are yall searious w/ this

JADE:  im afraid so :\

JADE:  this place is completely messed up!!

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: okay so what tha fuck is all the bad news

JANE:  Firstly, Karkat and Kanaya were completely obliterated in the fracas that recently transpired.

JANE:  Nothing remains of their bodies, which means I cannot revive them.

JANE:  Echidna, thusly, remains recalcitrant.

JANE:  Without the trolls to speak to her, she has retreated to the very back of her lair and refuses to barter with Jade.

JADE:  shes so annoying!!!!! ughhh

JADE:  i keep telling her that im the same old jade, just a little more evil than usual

JADE:  but she just whines and whines about how im not fulfilling my duties properly and how this session is doomed to bring about a great destructive force, if i want the frog i can take it from her cold dead corpse because thats the only challenge befitting a villain like me, blah blah blahhhhh

JANE:  It seems we will be left with no choice but to fight Echidna.

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: aight yall can do that np np

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: what else

JADE:  well, i tried to track down roxy and return her to her cell where she belongs

JADE:  but

JADE:  shes gone :|

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: gone

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: fuck you mean gone

JADE:  i mean she no longer exists in this plane of reality!!

JADE:  i thought perhaps she was simply evading me with her voidy powers but nothing can escape my finely honed doggy senses

JADE:  i sniffed out her scent and followed the trail

JADE:  it led first to her planet and the lair of her denizen, but she had already left

JADE:  all that remained was the corpse of some unimportant troll

JADE:  and my shoes, which she apparently stole!!! >:(

JADE:  so i kept tracking roxys scent and eventually found that it led to........ nothing!!

JADE:  or more specifically, it led to the spot where johns planet used to be

JADE:  now theres nothing there

JADE:  john must have used his special retcon powers to teleport himself out of this session

JADE:  and roxy mustve gone with him!!!

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: which means you cant grab her an bring her back here?

JADE:  im afraid not >:(

JADE:  john probably went back to try and change the past and prevent all of this from happening

JADE:  but...... i guess he failed??

JADE:  his powers seem to ignore normal rules of causality and allow him to change what has already happened

JADE:  which means if he succeeded, all of this would just... unhappen

JADE:  like, retroactively, it would never have happened in the first place

JADE:  but we are still here, unchanged

JADE:  so i dont think he succeeded

JADE:  he and roxy are probably lost forever......

JADE:  dammit john!!! why are you such a dumbass >:\

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: so if the rogue up an vanished

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: how tha FUCK am i sposed to get ma matriorb

JANE:  I'm afraid we don't know.

JANE:  Rest assured that Jade and I are exploring possible alternatives.

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: you fuckin betta be

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: anyfin else been janked up

JANE:  Another Jack has appeared from god-knows-where, with a number of Lord English's former servants in tow.

JANE:  He currently appears to be duelling the English-possessed Jack for dominance.

JANE:  I think it's best if we just stay out of that clusterfuck entirely.

JADE:  and speaking of jacks, doggy jack and the mail lady also arrived on schedule

JADE:  it seems like they tried and failed to resurrect me, driven by becs instincts

JADE:  and distracted by his grief, jack was easily disarmed by the mail lady, who took his ring for herself and left

JANE:  Once Jade was revived, we tracked the mail lady down and found her tending to some charming-looking dersite in a mayoral sash who was grievously wounded when the planets collided.

JADE:  he is a very likeable guy, but the mayor is kind of a huge idiot, and prone to such mishaps

JADE:  which was lucky for us!!!

JANE:  With my keen sense for business, I convinced her to trade her two rings in exchange for the use of my healing powers.

JANE:  She was reluctant to make the trade, and seemed to believe I was abusing my position of power, but had no choice but to accept.

JANE:  Her friend healthy once more, she had no more quarrel with us, and we left her alone.

JANE:  The rings are now in my possession, safe and sound until we have need of them.

JANE:  Thus, besides the aforementioned issues regarding missing or dead players, I think we are still on track to complete the session and create a new universe.

JANE:  As ever, Jade and I will keep you posted.

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: good

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: get back to work then

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: i gotta go deal w/ all these panicking dersites

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: all gripin about the planets bein fucked up

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: being queen is hard work

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: buncha ingrates always grabbin at your heels

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: and dont even get me STARTED on that dignitary mofo

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: so blatantly tryna get some tail

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: like i want jack and shit to do w/ some grody shell douche lmfao

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: anyway

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: im bouncing

)(ER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION: sea yall later

With a loud groan, Her Imperious Condescension lifted herself and her extraordinarily heavy mass of hair from off the throne. She stretched out, sighed, and gave the girls a lazy wave as she headed off to resume her royal duties. Jade and Jane looked at each other and shrugged.

JADE:  yknow

JADE:  im preeeeeeeetty sure we are the ones with the tougher job here

JANE:  You dare to question Her Imperious Condescension?

JANE:  Our beloved and most noble ruler, born of the most royal tyrian hue, heiress to the New Alternian throne, and in her own words, the flyest mofuckin queen bitch in all of Paradox Space?

JADE:  um

JADE:  yes?

JANE:  Okay, whew.

JANE:  So it's not just me, then.

 

* * *

 

JADE:  blllaaaaaaaaurghrgrghrgh

Jade tromped into the Royal Dersite Library with her hair strung messily around her shoulders, eyes bagged from a severe lack of sleep. She had spent the entire night trying to create a matriorb, to no avail. It looked as though Jane was having just as much trouble – she was buried beneath a stack of books, groaning loudly as she slowly flicked through pages. When she noticed Jade's presence, she looked up and sighed.

JANE:  I take it you have not had any luck?

JADE:  nope

JADE:  have you??

JANE:  Nope.

JANE:  I've consulted many books in this library, as well as the wealth of troll knowledge downloaded into me by the tiaratop, and found nothing.

JANE:  It doesn't seem possible to obtain a matriorb without the involvement of a mother grub... Or cheating.

JANE:  And I cannot think of any ways for us to cheat except for the alchemiters.

JADE:  and so far ive had no success in my experiments with those......

JADE:  i tried using my pictionary modus to create a ghost image of the matriorb

JADE:  which took FOREVER, because that dumb thing cant properly read my incredibly precise and artistic doodles

JADE:  but then the grist cost turned out to be way too high!!!

JADE:  and it included kinds of grist we have not even encountered in our session

JADE:  so that was a total bust

JANE:  Damn.

JADE:  blaaaaargh!!! XO

JADE:  i wish john were here

JADE:  as annoying and stupid as he is, he always had a knack for alchemization

JADE:  he would probably be able to figure this out

JADE:  some kind of combination through which he could reverse engineer a working matriorb.....

JANE:  Wait...

JANE:  By gum, that's it!

JANE:  You're a genius, Jade!

JADE:  :O

JANE:  Or, rather, I am a genius, which you've presently helped me remember!

JADE:  :\

JANE:  Allow me to explain.

JANE:  Your discussion of alchemy reminded me of a nifty little gadget which I possess that might help us out: my recipe modus!

JANE:  The recipe modus, you see, allows one to store an object and view all of the potential alchemical combinations that could be used to create it.

JANE:  Yet another incredible innovation from Crockercorp.

JADE:  ohhhhhh, neat

JADE:  but uh

JADE:  doesnt that mean we would already need to HAVE a matriorb to see the combos for it???

JANE:  Yes.

JANE:  That is not the point I am getting at.

JANE:  The recipe modus does not simply list reasonable alchemical combinations for an object. It lists ALL of them.

JANE:  Just as you might create my current trident by alchemizing the Junior Battermaster's Bowlbuster Poking Solution 50000 with my old Skaian War Fork, you might also create it by alchemizing together an absurd assortment of random objects from around the home.

JANE:  And that is where the matriorb comes in!

JANE:  You see, by racking my memories using my newly cybernetically-enhanced mind, I have come to a fascinating conclusion:

JANE:  I definitely recall seeing the matriorb listed in one of those nonsensical alternate alchemical combinations!

JADE:  OHHHHH

JANE:  Now I can see it dawning on you.

JANE:  All we need to do is find one of those combinations featuring the matriorb, and reverse-engineer it.

JANE:  By subtracting the non-matriorb components from the item in question, we will be left with only the matriorb itself!

JANE:  And by doing this in such a roundabout fashion, we may find an alchemical combination for it which is much cheaper than simply creating it outright.

JANE:  It's brilliant!

JADE:  yeah!!

JADE:  well, its brilliant in a kinda stupid way

JADE:  i mean taking a book out of a table or whatever, and winding up with an alien egg, is just plain dumb

JADE:  but then again, so was getting roxy to create a matriorb by stealing its nonexistence.....

JADE:  everything we ever do is extremely dumb, in the most fascinatingly complex way

JANE:  I concur.

JANE:  But enough of this dumb talk.

JANE:  We have a matriorb to craft.

JADE:  yeah!!!!!

JADE:  i still wish we had john around but i mean, cmon

JADE:  how hard can it be???

 

* * *

 

As it turned out... Very, very hard. Alchemy was, in a sense, programming – and programming was, in a sense, hell.

For the first and easiest step, Jane had to look through every item she owned to find an item with the matriorb listed in its ingredients. After a while spent searching, she managed to locate it: her favorite childhood hat. The matriorb was listed as an ingredient alongside a potted plant and a copy of some strange book written by Charles Dutton.

The next step was to track down the two items they would have to subtract from the hat to produce the matriorb. The potted plant seemed like it would be the simpler of the two, but it proved rather troublesome – the only plant they could find fitting the image listed in Jane's recipe modus was located in Jane's kitchen, but it had been greatly damaged over the course of the session. Charred, waterlogged, _and_ covered in sugar, it was but a husk of its former self. Jane and Jade wasted a good hour fussing over the plant, trying to figure out a way to alchemically restore it to its former state, before they remembered that Jane could just use her life powers on it.

It was highly embarrassing and neither of them wished to speak of it ever again.

Next came the book: Dream Bubbles, by Charles Dutton. Jade was certain that Rose would own a copy of the book, given her interest in bizarre literature, but it was nowhere to be found in Rose's house, or anyone else's library for that matter. As solid as Jade's intuition was, the book had been stored in Rose's tower on Derse, which had been left behind during The Scratch. It fell to Jade and Jane, then, to recreate the book. Another fruitless hour passed before they found a working combination, using a number of Rose's items:

This Ocean Charles || Grimoire of the Zoologically Dubious && Rose's Crystal Ball

The girls now had both of the items they needed to subtract from the hat. All that remained was the actual subtraction process.

... All that remained was unknowable anguish.

The problem with alchemical subtraction was that it was a mathematically ambiguous process – even given the end product and two of its ingredients, there still remained thousands of possible captcha codes that the matriorb could have. There was no easy way to reverse engineer the correct combination. The only option was to try each of them, one by one, until they stumbled upon the correct combo. It was like trying to crack a computer password by typing in random combinations of letters over and over until one of them worked. Jane could use her computerized mind to quickly produce a list of possible combinations to try, but they would still have to punch them onto captcha cards and see what was produced.

An experienced hacker might have been able to cobble together some kind of program to speed up the process, but Jade and Jane were nothing of the sort. Arquius, Dirk, Roxy, and Erisol, all of whom could have helped, were nowhere to be found.

This left the two with an enormous project to give to the assorted citizens of Derse. Whether they liked it or not – and most of them did not – the carapacians would have to serve their esteemed queen by punching countless cards and inserting them into alchemiters until they finally found the correct one. Jane promised an exorbitant sweet-laden cake to the lucky winner who managed to find the right code – Jade promised not to get mad and feast on their "crunchy, buggy shells" as long as they finished the job fast enough. All in all, it was quite the sweet deal.

 

And finally, after almost an entire two days of work...

 

JANE:  This had better not be another false alarm.

Jane and Jade appeared in a flash of green light, having teleported to the Dersian news district. They'd received a call from an excited Dersite, claiming to have hit the jackpot. Jade and Jane cut a swath through the crowd of carapaces who were squabbling around in front of a bank of alchemiters.

JANE:  Remain calm, everyone! Representatives of the Queen have arrived.

JANE:  Please, would someone direct me to the man who called us?

The crowd parted and a nervous carapacian stepped forth, clutching a small orb like it was her newborn child. Eyes widening, Jane stepped forward and...

JANE:  Ugh, no! This is a DISCO ball, you idiot. We are looking for a MATRIORB.

JANE:  Did none of you receive a photo? We distributed photos!

JANE:  It is a small GREY ball with ORANGE spikes, and absolutely NO sparkles. Understood?

JANE:  Back to work!

The dejected carapacian returned to her post and continued trawling through the list of codes she had been given. Jane turned her attention to her fellow henchwoman, groaning loudly.

JANE:  Jade, who was in charge of photo distribution?

JANE:  I don't think half of these imbeciles have any idea what they're actually looking for.

JADE:  well, i dont know his name but i call him frumplepants

JADE:  because his pants are really frumply looking

JADE:  if that wasnt already obvious

JANE:  Fine.

JANE:  Find this "Frumplepants" and fire him.

JANE:  And while you're at it, could you track down the miscreant who spread a rumor that we are searching for golden tickets?

JANE:  We are absolutely NOT accepting any golden tickets, and there will be no chocolate rewards for anyone who produces one.

JADE:  gotcha!!!

JADE:  brb

Jade was about to vanish when there came a sudden commotion from down the street. Her ears pricked up, twitching at the sound, and she scampered out of the building while yipping at the open air. It took a moment for her to calm down and remember that badass and menacing henchwomen did not yip. She straightened up and turned to the oncoming noise, a swarm of carapacians approaching her excitedly. The one at the head of the party thrust a small orb forward, grinning with pride.

A grey, leathery shell with orange horns protruding like spikes...

It was the matriorb.

JADE:  yesssss!!!!!

JADE:  thats it thats the one!

JADE:  gimme gimme

Jade snatched up the matriorb and captchalogued it hastily, irrationally worried that it might just vanish like her pumpkins used to. She took the dersite's hands and merrily swung her around in a circle, giggling and grinning, until Jane clapped a hand down on her shoulder and stopped her.

JANE:  Very well.

JANE:  Please submit your name to the manager of your block and he will take down your address so you may later be mailed your cake reward.

JANE:  Please allow two weeks to six millennia for delivery.

JANE:  The Crocker Corporation is not liable for any damages or goods not received due to unforeseen complications, up to and including the apocalypse.

JANE:  You may disperse now and resume your regular duties. Further celebration will be considered loitering and punished accordingly.

JANE:  Jade, let's get going.

JADE:  awwww but i was dancing!!!

JADE:  i never get to dance anymore >:(((

JANE:  Save your dancing for after the session is won.

JANE:  We have a beast to fight.

 

* * *

 

Jade and Jane stood at the entrance to Echidna's lair, magma churning beneath their feet and in the gullies that lined the path to the denizen's chamber. Their footsteps echoed through the cavern, bouncing off the crystals that jutted from the walls. The time had come to confront the great beast.

Her Imperious Condescension had offered them the use of her Dersite army, but the two had declined. Jane considered it a potential waste of resources, and Jade considered it a potential waste of cuteness. The two would fight Echidna alone, and Jade had a plan.

JANE:  Are you certain that this will work?

JADE:  yup!!! my plan is completely, one hundred percent foolproof >:)

JADE:  we will march right into echidnas lair

JADE:  you will distract her with your pointy and stabby weaponry

JADE:  and then i will use my powers to shrink her down into a teeny weeny little snake that we can easily squash underfoot

JANE:  Yes, I understand the specifics of the plan.

JANE:  My worry is that an all-powerful denizen like Echidna will be capable of resisting your spacey magic.

JADE:  nuh uh

JADE:  under normal circumstances, you might be right

JADE:  but i have the power of the green sun at my back!!!

JADE:  it kind of makes me completely op

JADE:  ill handle her noooooo problem

JANE:  Alright.

JANE:  Forward march, Harley! Let's do this.

Echidna's coils wound around the cave, submerged in the magma. The beast was stirring, no doubt aware of their intrusion. They could hear her hissing from within the chamber in front of them, as if to warn them away. Jade and Jane stepped forth anyway.

JADE:  echidna!!! since you wont barter with us anymore, weve come to take you down

The beast's eyes glowed, her abstract head shifting and glimmering in the bright red light. Echidna roared out loud enough to shake the walls and slithered close.

ECHIDNA: RiÝŠð¶7O —¾$üî’ydÙYŽºÁ NÛ‚½÷

JANE:  Er...

JANE:  Can you understand any of that?

JADE:  no...

JADE:  she wont grant me that privilege anymore

JADE:  the time for diplomacy has passed

JADE:  and now its time to fight!!

The girls only had a moment to prepare before Echidna charged them. Jade had only a split second to take to the air before the beast's jaws clamped down where she had been moments before, and she began to trace spirals through the sky as Echidna chased her. Jade darted around Echidna's thick coils, dodging her attacks and luring her close to Jane, who was sprinting toward them.

Jane came out of the gate swinging, walloping her serpentine foe with the blunt end of her trident. A steely pragmatist, she forced Echidna's head downward and then aimed for the eyes, trying to blind the snake before she could do any real damage. Echidna was too clever for that tack and quickly reared back, keeping her head away from Jane's prongs while lashing out with her body.

JANE:  Alright, Jade! Go!

Nodding, Jade squeezed her eyes shut in concentration and tapped into the power of the Sun. For a second, she faltered – why did it feel so difficult to pull power from the Sun today? – but then the flames began to surge forward, their power roaring around her. Eyes glowing a dazzling green and body surging with heat, Jade extended a hand and focused her concentration on Echidna. The snake screeched and writhed, her body beginning to shrink down, bit by bit.

JANE:  It's working!

JANE:  Keep it up!

Jane bobbed and weaved around Echidna's body as the snake thrashed around, trying to slam into her or impale her on the many crystalline spikes that lined her back. Jane was undeterred, and faster than her foe, sweeping her trident forward to cut away at the scales before her. Echidna's concentration was split, trying to keep her body held together and fight Jane all at once, and she was having trouble keeping up...

But something was wrong. Even now, bearing the full brunt of Jade's might, Echidna was barely managing to hold on. She should be a tiny little speck by now, and instead Echidna's body shuddered, expanding and contracting in quick bursts, resisting the pull of Jade's spacey powers.

JADE:  wh... whats happening??

The emerald flames flickering around her were beginning to dull, the overwhelming power draining from her veins. In her mind's eye, she no longer saw a blazing sun, but an eerie green swirl that slowly faded into an all-consuming emptiness. The destruction of the Sun was reverberating throughout the cosmos, slowly filtering through to each and every timeline, every universe. It had, of course, chosen the most inopportune moment to strike. There were no coincidences in Paradox Space.

JADE:  i..... i cant feel it anymore

JADE:  my connection with the green sun, its disappearing!!

JANE:  What?!

Echidna roared and exploded with an iridescent light, her body growing back to its original size. Without the light of the Sun to power her, Jade could not hope to match Echidna's strength. Their plan had failed.

JADE:  i cant shrink her!!!

JANE:  Crap...

JANE:  What now?

JADE:  i...

JADE:  i dont know!!!!

The beast screeched loudly and lunged at Jane, who only just barely managed to dive out of the way. Echidna coiled up and reared back before rushing forward again, slamming headfirst into her prey and sending Jane reeling into the wall.

JADE:  okay, thats it

JADE:  eat lead, jerk!!!

How long had it been since she wielded one of her rifles? Jade's grip was rusty as she whipped the Girl's Best Friend from her specibus and unleashed a barrage of gunfire against her foe. The bullets bounced against Echidna's steely scales, leaving only tiny indentations in their target. Unimpressed, Echidna bared her fangs and lunged. Jade tumbled out of the way, searching her inventory for a stronger weapon... Aha!

The legendary Cutlass of Zillywair, as extremely ridiculous as it was extremely deadly. Jade darted forward and plunged the sword deep into Echidna's chest, its candy-colored Bellyjape Blade easily piercing Echidna's armor. The beast roared and recoiled from the blow, wrenching the sword from Jade's hands and leaving it buried inside.

JADE:  hey, give that back!

Jade ran forward and grabbed back onto the sword, trying to pull it from its fleshy sheath. But while Jade was distracted, Echidna pulled her tail from the magma that surrounded her chamber and snaked it around Jade's waist. Jade felt it constrict suddenly around her stomach and impulsively tried to teleport away, but her connection with the Sun had vanished completely, and she was trapped in Echidna's grasp.

JADE:  agh!!!!

JADE:  let go of me!

With her tail coiled tightly around Jade, Echidna complied, but perhaps not the way Jade wanted. She whipped her tail upwards and let it unravel as Jade spun into the air, and then lunged upward, her mouth open wide. Jade tried to flip herself upright and dart away, but it was too late, and she felt herself being tugged down towards Echidna's maw. Gravity was, after all, an aspect of Space – if Echidna wanted you to fall, you would fall. Jade only had time to give a sharp gasp and reach out a hand, and then Echidna's mouth snapped shut in a spray of blood.

JANE:  JADE!!!!

Echidna swallowed and then turned her attention to Jane, her otherworldly eyes glowing. She lunged forward with her maw wide open and Jane thrust her trident upward, sticking the roof of Echidna's mouth. The beast roared and clamped her jaw shut, snapping the trident clean in two.

JANE:  Oh, hell.

Echidna swept her tail across the ground and knocked Jane onto her back, leaving the girl nearly defenseless. The snake twisted around and bowed her head low, exposing her spines; Jane was too slow to react as Echidna launched a barrage of needles forward. In an instant, all Jane knew was pain – an excruciating pain shooting all through her arms, her stomach, her legs... Her vision went red and she blinked through blood, agony splitting her senses down the left side of her face... Jane tried to stagger to her feet, but Echidna was shrieking and turning back to her, and she couldn't find her footing...

And then something changed. The beast let loose another shriek, but it was amiss this time – a strangled groan that gave way to a choking sound. A bruised and bloody hand, large enough to fill Echidna's throat, clawed its way out of the beast and writhed in the open air. Echidna's body began to swell as she squealed in pain, and Jane had the presence of mind to duck just in time for the beast to burst open. Jade, enlarged by her own spacey powers, collapsed to the ground where Echidna's head had been just moments before.

The mother of monsters had been hoist by her own petard; slain from the inside by the meal she had devoured. It seemed like a foolish mistake, but as Jane mulled over the nature of the victory, she couldn't help but wonder if Echidna had planned for it to end this way all along. The Denizens were a mentor of sorts, and if they had to teach through combat, so be it.

JADE:  oh god

JADE:  is it over???

Jade began to shrink back to her normal size as she crawled toward Jane, coughing and hacking. Her left arm was missing at the shoulder and her body was soaked in bile and blood. Even with her emotions dulled by cybernetics, Jane was horrified by the sight, and fought to keep her gaze steady as she raised her hand and began to concentrate her healing energies.

JANE:  Yes, Jade.

JANE:  It's over.

JANE:  We won.

There was nothing to be done for Jade's missing arm, but Jane was able to heal the rest of her cohort's injuries well enough and stifle the bleeding around Jade's stump. Once Jade was in stable condition, Jane turned her attention to herself. She felt like a pincushion, stuck with nearly a dozen needles. She pulled them out one by one, wincing at the pain and relying on her healing powers to close up the wounds. Though successful, she too was left permanently scarred – her left eye would never see again.

JADE:  ugh.....

JADE:  my everything hurts

JADE:  i can still feel my arm...

JADE:  its like it should be there, but its not

JANE:  My healing is anesthetic in nature, but it can only dull so much pain before it grows ineffective.

JANE:  ...

JANE:  I apologize.

JANE:  The loss of your arm is a... Tactical blunder, that I could perhaps have avoided were I a stronger fighter.

JADE:  no, you dont need to apologize

JADE:  its my fault, really

JADE:  i shouldve been able to beat her easily

JADE:  im the one who should say sorry about your eye

JANE:  It can be replaced.

JADE:  i guess my arm can too, come to think of it

JADE:  but still...

Jade slumped down and then laid on her back, staring up at the gem-encrusted ceiling. She was silent for a while, and then, oddly, she began to laugh.

JANE:  What are you laughing about?

JANE:  I fail to see the humor in our current situation.

Jade fought to stifle her giggles and then sighed.

JADE:  its just

JADE:  we are supposed to be super evil super strong ultimate beings of cold logic and great power, serving the empress of a new world

JADE:  and instead

JADE:  we almost lose a fight and then sit around apologizing to each other!!

JADE:  its just....... funny, in a sad kind of way

JADE:  despite the deep loyalty i feel for the condesce and despite the way shes freed me from my old and foolish adherence to moral standards

JADE:  she cant really change who i am deep down, not unless she takes complete control of my mind

JADE:  im still jade harley

JADE:  a dumb, pathetic, silly little girl trying to do her best with powers far beyond her grasp

JANE:  ...

JANE:  I'll have no more of that loserly talk from you, Harley.

JANE:  Nor will I engage in it myself, or even admit that I share many of your sentiments regarding my own flaws.

JANE:  I mean—

JANE:  Look.

JANE:  We still succeeded.

JANE:  We still managed to slay Echidna, on top of creating the matriorb, on top of salvaging what appeared to be an unwinnable session.

JANE:  All this while Her Imperious Condescension, our cherished empress whom I love like a mother and would never speak ill of, sat around and did nothing except gripe like a petulant wiggler.

JANE:  We are badass, intelligent, powerful evil goddesses, and I will hear nothing otherwise.

JANE:  Understood?

JADE:  ...

JADE:  yeah!!

JADE:  understood

JADE:  thanks, jane

JANE:  There is no need to thank me.

JANE:  Thanks are for nice people.

JADE:  eheheheheh >:p

The two girls settled down onto the warm stone floor, taking a moment to catch their breath and rest. Echidna's corpse slowly began to disintegrate, flashing with light as a great cache of build grist burst from her remains. With Echidna gone, there came a sudden rumbling from within Echidna's lair, shaking the ceiling and causing stalactites to crash down from above.

JANE:  !!!

JANE:  A trap?

JADE:  no, not quite

JADE:  the forge is shifting as it prepares for its final task

JADE:  i can sense it

JADE:  the genesis frog is moving into position

JADE:  ready for its final journey

JANE:  I see. How does the process work, exactly?

JADE:  well, normally the space player (thats me!) must complete their personal quest in order to stoke the forge, and breed the genesis frog that will become bilious slick

JADE:  then, the sessions players release their grist hordes into skaia, preparing skaia with the nutrients required for bilious slick to grow

JADE:  finally, the forge is ignited

JADE:  releasing the genesis frog so it may perform the ultimate alchemy and create a new universe

JADE:  usually, the rings taken from the white and black queens will serve as the fuel for the forge

JADE:  so

JADE:  since we have pretty much done everything else on that list

JADE:  all thats left is to chuck the two rings we got into the volcano and set mr froggy free

JANE:  Understood.

JANE:  Are you prepared to undertake this final task, or would you like to rest a moment longer?

JADE:  hmmmm...

JADE:  no, im good

JADE:  i just wanna get this over with!!

JANE:  Me too, Jade.

JANE:  Me too.

 

* * *

 

Jade had seen enough fire to last an entire lifetime. Her planet was a wasteland now, the lush forests burned down by green flame and lava. As she stood atop the forge, looking down into the bubbling magma, she found herself hoping this would be the last time she had to go near lava again. Perhaps Jane could persuade Her Imperious Condescension to pass a universe-wide no-volcanoes ordinance?

Jane – speak of the devil – alit beside her, having arrived from one of the nearby planets. While Jade ensured the forge was ready for its final task, Jane had been checking to see that each of the grist caches had been properly deployed and that Skaia was ready for its transformation.

JADE:  ready??

JANE:  Ready.

Jade cast the two queen's rings into the fire below and watched as they sizzled and glowed, slowly melting down and releasing their power. The magma churned and roiled, bubbling ever closer to the surface of the volcano as Jade and Jane retreated from the edge. With a great explosion, the genesis frog burst from within the volcano's core and rocketed upwards. The two girls watched as it flew towards Skaia, propelled by the eruption, and then vanished from their sight. They waited with baited breath as seconds passed, and then minutes... And then technicolor lights shone in the sky as Bilious Slick began to take his form. The great frog, an entire universe undulating and expanding inside him, gazed down at Jade and Jane, and gave them the slightest nod.

The new universe had finally been born.

JADE:  wow........

JADE:  we

JADE:  we did it!

JADE:  hahahahaha, we actually did it!!!

JANE:  We did.

JANE:  Congratulations, Jade.

JADE:  yeah!!! thanks jane

JADE:  i...

JADE:  i can hardly believe it

JADE:  we won

JADE:  ...

JADE:  just the two of us

JANE:  Yes.

JANE:  It was just us in the end, wasn't it?

JANE:  Just the two of us...

Jade felt a triumph surging inside her, her chest alight at their hard-won victory. But there was something strange about that triumph, something... empty. A sense of profound loneliness, perhaps. Nearly all of her friends had been alienated or killed in the process, and would not be sharing in the celebration. She felt no regret or guilt for her actions – even if her brainwashed mind was capable of it, she _couldn't_ allow herself remorse now, not after all she had done – but the sting of loneliness was something else entirely.

JANE:  Well...

JANE:  That's that, I suppose.

JANE:  Should we go report to Her Imperious Condescension?

JADE:  ...

JADE:  can we, um

JADE:  just stay here for a bit and watch the light show

JADE:  its really pretty

JANE:  ...

JANE:  Certainly.

Jade sat down, leaning against the mountainside and looking up at the Bilious' gentle glow. Jane followed suit, a sigh escaping her lips as she gazed at the stars. After a moment, Jade reached her shaky hand towards her partner in crime, and Jane clasped it tight.

JANE:  Oh, and...

JANE:  Before our responsibilities in the new world distract us, I should probably tell you...

JANE:  I'm very proud of you, Jade.

Jade couldn't help but smile. The warmth she felt from Jane's hand was something new, something... maternal, almost. It felt a little strange to Jade, having grown up with very little for parentage, not to mention knowing that Jane was the same age as her, but... It felt nice, too. Even if she had nobody else left, she at least had Jane.

And there was something kindling inside her now, an emerald fire strong enough to overwhelm her loneliness. Not the light of the Green Sun, but... determination? The sort of plucky hope that had driven her when she was younger. Jane was right. They were badass, intelligent, powerful evil goddesses, and they weren't fit to mope around. She was going to make something of this new universe. She was going to find a way to be happy. Her and Jane both.

And anything that tried to stand in their way was going to meet the business end of her fangs.

 

* * *

 

The Bard of Rage stood on the roof of the meteor he had once lived in, the dying blood-red sun above him casting a harsh red glare on his indigo outfit. The universe was nearing its end; the Batterwitch was dead, her reign over this planet ended, and her servants were nowhere to be found. It was almost time for his master to begin the rocky road to his ascension. Of course, Gamzee had not simply waited out these many years until the end. He was notoriously difficult to kill, but he was not immortal. Not yet, anyway.

Instead, he had used the music box which he had stolen from Aradia's room many sweeps ago. This handy little device allowed him to skip through time at his leisure. The Bard may not have full control over the aspect of time like the Maid did, but that wasn't going to stop him. Nothing would.

All that remained was for him to find the particular point in time he needed – the moment when his master was hatched on this dying planet. Without the innate sense of time that an official Time player possessed, it was difficult for him to pinpoint the exact spot that he was looking for. Instead, he had to skip around back and forth using the dials on the music box, hoping to land at just the right moment. Right now, he got the sense that he was still about a century away from his master's birth, give or take a decade.

Gamzee cranked the dial forward and a little hum sounded as he whirled through the annals of time. When he rematerialized, still standing on the roof, he spotted another figure there with him. It was the girl – Calotrope? Caltrops? Calzone? – who inhabited his master's body. She was staring morosely out at the distance, sketching something in a book she was carrying. Luckily, she hadn't noticed his arrival.

Judging from her size, she must be around... Oh, five or six sweeps old? So, this must be a little too far in the future. Gamzee hopped down from atop the roof, careful not to make an audible sound as he activated the music box and skipped backwards a little.

As the flash of light faded, this time he was standing across from himself. The clown looking at him was holding a small blanket with a dark green, skeletal baby bundled up inside. Gamzee opened his mouth to speak but his other self – his future self? – held up a finger to shush him.

(GAMZEE): (shhhh, ryda.)

(GAMZEE): (baby's motherfuckin sleeping.)

Okay, just a bit further.

 

Finally, after much trial and error, Gamzee found the time he was looking for. A vibrant meteor streaked across the star-scorched sky, leaving an epileptic trail that reminded Gamzee of his sweeps as a stoner. The meteor – an egg, really – crashed into the ground with a resounding explosion, and Gamzee followed the trail of glowing fire that led to the crater where the egg lay. He waited and watched with bated breath until the egg finally hatched and a little snake-like creature slithered out to feast on the candy-sweet remains.

He watched the cherub with a serene expression as it spent its first few days gaining the strength to pupate. Finally, what was once a snake was now a skeletal little toddler, plodding its way across the barren ground as it learned how to crawl. Gamzee picked it up for the first time, then, and beheld it – the lime green swirls on its face told him that it was not his master in control now, but the other one, the girl.

The girl was cute, he had to admit. Her calm and contented smile brought a smile to his own face, and her gentle hug made something stir in the pit of his stomach... Affection? Something... paternal? It was an emotion he had never really known. In another world, he might have enjoyed raising her, and being called "father"...

But in this one, she was just a nuisance, an obstacle to his master's ascension. He could not allow her charms to sway him, adorable as she was. If only he could dash her head against the wall and kill her now... But he knew this would not only kill his master too, but deny Caliborn the satisfaction he would soon come to long for. No, now was not the time... Now, she could live, if only to meet her predestined end.

And there was much to do before then. The man who spoke in white had left him instructions to prepare the cherubim for their adolescence. There was food to alchemize, books to censor, computers and tablets to set up so they could nurture their creativity... The computers would have to be modified so that they could communicate with the previous universe, of course, but the mustardblood had left plenty of files on the lab computers for Gamzee to copy from.

It was fortunate that cherubim were, in general, a very clever species. Suited for a solitary life, their linguistic prowess and problem-solving skills must be great to offset their life without parents. It was simple enough for Gamzee to teach them to read and write, and show them how to work the alchemiters to create more food for themselves. By their first year, the cherubim were ready to live life on their own. Before they had really had time to solidify Gamzee in their memories, he was gone, and they were left only with a set of instructions explaining the "rules" of their existence. Neither of them would be able to remember the silly clown who had nurtured them and watched them take their first steps, speak their first words. It was just as well; Gamzee had grown used to a life spent skulking in the shadows, and he preferred it that way.

With his work in this universe done, Gamzee took out the music boxes and cranked the dial forward, allowing the melody to carry him to the very end of this universe's timeline. As he rematerialized, he felt wind blowing across his hood and the blazing red sun beating down on his back. He could feel it in the air. The end was nigh.

Standing on a rough hill overlooking the meteor, Gamzee watched the session begin. His young master sat serenely on the meteor's roof, looking content. Behind him, two sprites intermingled, prototyping each other into infinity and breaking apart into a black hole.

The Bard's features split into a manic grin, the swirling red maelstrom reflected in his glassy, black pupils. His destiny was finally at hand. He reached out a shaky hand and let the growing abyss swallow him whole.


End file.
